A friend just sent me an email about old age (although what that has to do with me I don't know!). There were a couple of good one-liners in there, such as:
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be; also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Don't talk to me about old age – "I'd forget my own head if it wasn't screwed on," as they say. And then I started to think about two un-related but rather good jokes as follows:
Joke #1 – The Old Couple
Did you hear the one about the old couple sitting in rocking chairs on their front porch watching the world go by?
The man eventually gets up and says: "I'm going to get myself a bowl of ice cream."
The wife says: "Bring me one too. I'd like vanilla with chocolate sauce on top. You'd better write that down because you always forget things."
The man replies: "I can remember that," and heads toward the door.
Before he gets there the wife adds: "And I'd like some of those colored sprinkles. You'd better write that down because you always forget things."
The man says: "I told you, I don't have any problem remembering things like this," and he continues toward the door.
Just as he's about to enter the house, the wife says: "And I'd like a cherry on top. You'd better write that down because you always forget things."
The man replies: "Good grief woman! I'm not senile!" and he disappears inside the house.
Twenty minutes go by. The man eventually emerges and hands his wife a plate of toast with butter and strawberry preserves. She looks at the plate, fixes him with a glare, and says: "You old fool, I told you I wanted grape jelly on my toast!"
Joke #2 – Olaf and Helga
Did you hear the one about Olaf and Helga who live in a small village somewhere in Eastern Europe?
One Sunday, Olaf is sitting toward the back of the Church when he notices Helga sitting with a group of ladies in one of the front pews. Olaf thinks to himself: "You know, I'm 36 years old and it's time I thought about settling down. Helga is 30, she's very pretty, she's a teacher, she's a responsible member of the community, everybody likes her, I'd be a fool not to ask her out."
So, after the service, Olaf approaches Helga, who says: "Hello Olaf, you look very handsome in your suit today." This gives Olaf the courage to ask: "Helga, would you maybe like to go out on a date with me one evening?"
"Why, certainly," she replies, "how about next Friday? If you pick me up at my cottage around 7:00 pm we could go out for supper"
So, the great day arrives. Olaf picks Helga up and drives her to a nice restaurant in the next village. They are enjoying a fine meal when Olaf orders a bottle of wine and offers Helga a glass. "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly drink that," says Helga, "what would I say to my school children?"
Olaf apologizes profusely and they continue with their meal. Later, while they are drinking their coffee, Olaf lights up a cigarette and offers one to Helga. "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly smoke that," says Helga, "what would I say to my school children?"
Once again, Olaf apologizes profusely. The thing is that Olaf really, REALLY likes Helga, and he did drink the whole bottle of wine by himself (which has made him braver than usual), so as they are leaving the restaurant he says: "You know Helga, there is a very nice Inn here in the village, would you like to spend the night with me?"
Much to Olaf's surprise, Helga replies: "Why yes, Olaf, that would be very nice."
The next morning, Olaf awakes in bed with Helga and he is very upset. "I'm so sorry Helga," he says, "I took advantage of you. What are you going to say to the school children?"
"I'll tell them what I always tell them," replies Helga, "you don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time!"
Questions? Comments? Feel free to email me – Clive "Max" Maxfield – at email@example.com). And, of course, if you haven't already done so, don't forget to Sign Up for our weekly Programmable Logic DesignLine Newsletter.