I was reading the 12/12 issue of Reader's Digest yesterday evening, and I spotted a couple of gems I wanted to share...
A guy who plays Santa in a mall at Christmas said that being a Santa can be complicated. When his daughter was in grade school, the teacher requested a conference to discuss some issues. When he went to the school, the teach told him that his daughter was under the firm belief that he was the real Santa Claus.
An advert for a gym said "If you're not satisfied with the results at our club, we'll give you your old body back."
Overheard in the HR office: "I need my birth date to log on to my online benefits information. But I can’t remember what year I pretended to be born when you hired me."
An odd comment one doctor wrote on his patient's chart read as follows: "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
A lady told a story about putting her seven-year-old son to bed. About an hour later she heard him cry out, so she ran to his room to find him sobbing. He told her: "Mommy, I had a bad nightmare about a big monster, and he had a face just like yours."
Then there was the guy who told the story about the garage calling to say that his car had been serviced and was ready to be picked up. He told the garage guy that his wife was "in the bathroom making herself beautiful" and that they would be over as soon as she was finished. There was a pause, then the garage guy asked "Will that be today?"
What about the young father with his one-year-old son taking a seat on the bus next to an old man. Sitting on the father's lap, the boy began to cry and fidget. "That child is spoiled, isn’t he?" said the old man. "No," replied his dad, "they all smell this way."
And I did like the story of the lady who was talking to an elderly friend who told her about a lesbian she knew and how wonderful she thought it was. So this lady said that she thought this was a perfect time to fess up to her and said "You know, I'm a lesbian too, and so is the gal I live with." The elderly lady replied "I didn’t know that, but everyone has a right to their own religion."
But my favorite of all was the guy who said: "My wife asked me if I thought she looked fat in her new dress. Pointing to what I was wearing I replied 'Do I look stupid in this shirt?'" (Think about it … I know I'm going to be using this line myself as soon as the occasion arises.)
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