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Max the Magnificent
Don't talk to me about those #$%^% ads -- I find them to be a pain in the read ...
OmegaMan
Hey, don't read them if you don't like them. I personally look forward to these ...
These made me chuckle...
Clive Maxfield
11/7/2012 4:54 PM EST
I was reading the 12/12 issue of Reader's Digest yesterday evening, and I spotted a couple of gems I wanted to share...
A guy who plays Santa in a mall at Christmas said that being a Santa can be complicated. When his daughter was in grade school, the teacher requested a conference to discuss some issues. When he went to the school, the teach told him that his daughter was under the firm belief that he was the real Santa Claus.
An advert for a gym said "If you're not satisfied with the results at our club, we'll give you your old body back."
Overheard in the HR office: "I need my birth date to log on to my online benefits information. But I can’t remember what year I pretended to be born when you hired me."
An odd comment one doctor wrote on his patient's chart read as follows: "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
A lady told a story about putting her seven-year-old son to bed. About an hour later she heard him cry out, so she ran to his room to find him sobbing. He told her: "Mommy, I had a bad nightmare about a big monster, and he had a face just like yours."
Then there was the guy who told the story about the garage calling to say that his car had been serviced and was ready to be picked up. He told the garage guy that his wife was "in the bathroom making herself beautiful" and that they would be over as soon as she was finished. There was a pause, then the garage guy asked "Will that be today?"
What about the young father with his one-year-old son taking a seat on the bus next to an old man. Sitting on the father's lap, the boy began to cry and fidget. "That child is spoiled, isn’t he?" said the old man. "No," replied his dad, "they all smell this way."
And I did like the story of the lady who was talking to an elderly friend who told her about a lesbian she knew and how wonderful she thought it was. So this lady said that she thought this was a perfect time to fess up to her and said "You know, I'm a lesbian too, and so is the gal I live with." The elderly lady replied "I didn’t know that, but everyone has a right to their own religion."
But my favorite of all was the guy who said: "My wife asked me if I thought she looked fat in her new dress. Pointing to what I was wearing I replied 'Do I look stupid in this shirt?'" (Think about it … I know I'm going to be using this line myself as soon as the occasion arises.)
If you found this article to be of interest, visit Programmable Logic Designline where – in addition to my Max's Cool Beans blogs – you will find the latest and greatest design, technology, product, and news articles with regard to programmable logic devices of every flavor and size (FPGAs, CPLDs, CSSPs, PSoCs...).
Also, you can obtain a highlights update delivered directly to your inbox by signing up for my weekly newsletter – just Click Here to request this newsletter using the Manage Newsletters tab (if you aren't already a member you'll be asked to register, but it's free and painless so don't let that stop you [grin]).
A guy who plays Santa in a mall at Christmas said that being a Santa can be complicated. When his daughter was in grade school, the teacher requested a conference to discuss some issues. When he went to the school, the teach told him that his daughter was under the firm belief that he was the real Santa Claus.
An advert for a gym said "If you're not satisfied with the results at our club, we'll give you your old body back."
Overheard in the HR office: "I need my birth date to log on to my online benefits information. But I can’t remember what year I pretended to be born when you hired me."
An odd comment one doctor wrote on his patient's chart read as follows: "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
A lady told a story about putting her seven-year-old son to bed. About an hour later she heard him cry out, so she ran to his room to find him sobbing. He told her: "Mommy, I had a bad nightmare about a big monster, and he had a face just like yours."
Then there was the guy who told the story about the garage calling to say that his car had been serviced and was ready to be picked up. He told the garage guy that his wife was "in the bathroom making herself beautiful" and that they would be over as soon as she was finished. There was a pause, then the garage guy asked "Will that be today?"
What about the young father with his one-year-old son taking a seat on the bus next to an old man. Sitting on the father's lap, the boy began to cry and fidget. "That child is spoiled, isn’t he?" said the old man. "No," replied his dad, "they all smell this way."
And I did like the story of the lady who was talking to an elderly friend who told her about a lesbian she knew and how wonderful she thought it was. So this lady said that she thought this was a perfect time to fess up to her and said "You know, I'm a lesbian too, and so is the gal I live with." The elderly lady replied "I didn’t know that, but everyone has a right to their own religion."
But my favorite of all was the guy who said: "My wife asked me if I thought she looked fat in her new dress. Pointing to what I was wearing I replied 'Do I look stupid in this shirt?'" (Think about it … I know I'm going to be using this line myself as soon as the occasion arises.)
If you found this article to be of interest, visit Programmable Logic Designline where – in addition to my Max's Cool Beans blogs – you will find the latest and greatest design, technology, product, and news articles with regard to programmable logic devices of every flavor and size (FPGAs, CPLDs, CSSPs, PSoCs...).
Also, you can obtain a highlights update delivered directly to your inbox by signing up for my weekly newsletter – just Click Here to request this newsletter using the Manage Newsletters tab (if you aren't already a member you'll be asked to register, but it's free and painless so don't let that stop you [grin]).
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Max the Magnificent
11/7/2012 5:05 PM EST
I just found another one I forgot to add. This one's a joke (at least, I hope it is). It reads as follows:
I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"Dad, this is the 21st century," he said, "I don't waste money on newspapers, but you can borrow my iPad if you like."
I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him!
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IDontUseTheForumSoWhyAmIForcedToMakeANickname
11/12/2012 8:29 AM EST
Great joke, it snuck up and blindsided me like all good jokes should
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antedeluvian
11/8/2012 9:26 AM EST
Although not from such an august journal as Reader's Digest I had to chuck at an email i go from my local chapers of the Professional Engineers of Ontario. They are having a 50th anniversary bash and the invitation reads:
You and one (1) guest are cordially invited to attend gratis to celebrate the growth and success of our chapter. Meet old friends ...
...
Cost: $20 per person ($40 for couples)
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Max the Magnificent
11/8/2012 10:04 AM EST
LOL
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David Ashton
11/10/2012 3:58 AM EST
I always have a chuckle over the Afrikaans (South African language) for "Free Sample" which is "Gratis Monster"... conjures up some nice scenes....
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Brian Fuller2
11/8/2012 5:20 PM EST
There's a certain staying power to humor like that, Max. Plus it avoids profanity and still makes you laugh.
Thanks for sharing. It's definitely given me a few laughs.
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Max the Magnificent
11/8/2012 5:45 PM EST
My dad never swore in front of me in his life (I don't know what he did when I wasn't there, but I don;t think he was different).
He always said that you don;t have to use profanity to make a joke funny -- I sort of grew up thinking that way -- it's not that I'm a prude of that I don;t hear swearing (have you met my wife? :-) but I really don't like watching comedians whose entire act is based on swearing, for example
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SKelem
11/9/2012 3:25 PM EST
I agree! So did Groucho. I'd rather hear someone be clever than rely on the embarrassment of hearing swear words!
So, here's one of my favorites:
Two ministers were discussing sin. One says to the other "I can't believe the state of morals of our youth today! My wife and I never had sex with each other before we were married. What about you?"
The other minister thinks and then says "I dunno...what was her maiden name?"
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Max the Magnificent
11/9/2012 3:40 PM EST
That reminds me of the one about the wedding reception, where bridegroom and his best man are leaning by the bar quaffing a few drinks.
The bridegroom looks around the room and says reflectively "Do you know, I think I've made love to every woman here." He pauses and then adda "Apart from my beautiful new wife, and her mother, of course."
The best man looks around the room and replies "Well, in that case, between us we've had the lot!"
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PanPilot
11/10/2012 3:46 AM EST
The one about the wife making herself beautiful sparked this recollection:
Winston Churchill was attending a function and indulged his passion for brandy and cigars. A lady approached him and said "Winston, you are drunk!" wherupon he responded with what has to be one of the all-time greats;
" Yes, Madam, I am... and you are ugly. However, in the morning I will be sober..."
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ost
11/12/2012 2:46 AM EST
An alternative direct approach to the question "Does this dress make me look fat?" is of course "No, its the fat that makes you look fat"
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Max the Magnificent
11/12/2012 11:53 AM EST
Guess who would be sleeping on the sofa that night... :-)
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SimulinkJocky
11/12/2012 9:34 AM EST
For years a local organic grocer had a sign out front giving the days they were open which had an interesting take on the word "every":
"Open every day
Closed Tuesdays"
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Max the Magnificent
11/12/2012 11:46 AM EST
It could be extremely sophisticated marketing -- after all we're still talking about it :-)
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Frank Tu
11/13/2012 7:15 PM EST
Is it still plagiarism if you state at the beginning of an article that everything that follows is straight out of another magazine? I realize you had to actually type the material in, and add the occasional "I thought this one was funny" or incorrectly change belief to believe, but does your boss give you credit for writing an article when this is all you do? I don't even want to ask what small room you were in when you read the Digest.
Nothing in the article relates even remotely to technology, programming, engineering, design, or microcontrollers. There's a similar problem writing about Christmas in October. I see the word "blog." Apparently these are personal blogs.
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SteveD_Aus
11/13/2012 7:58 PM EST
Perhaps they're already in the public domain? These anecdotes are of the type that have been floating around for years...
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Max the Magnificent
11/14/2012 9:45 AM EST
Hi Frank -- Thanks for the "belief" vs. "believe" catch -- I just fixed it.
I didn't copy the entire magazine or even a substantial part of it -- I was sitting on the sofa with my wife skimming through it and a couple of items made me either grin or laugh out loud and I thought I'd share them and make others happy also...
...just trying to spread a little happiness (sorry it didn't spread as far as you :-)
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OmegaMan
11/14/2012 9:50 AM EST
Hey, don't read them if you don't like them. I personally look forward to these humorous breaks. My only complaint about the EE Times website is that every time I click on a blog or article, I get re-directed to an ad. Are there not enough ads on the site already?!?
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Max the Magnificent
11/14/2012 9:51 AM EST
Don't talk to me about those #$%^% ads -- I find them to be a pain in the read end (and I work here :-)
PS Thanks for the support :-)
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