Don’t bandy paraprosdokians with me!

2/11/2012 3:56 PM EST

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal ideas from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In case of emergency, notify…” I put “DOCTOR.”
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
15. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than one time.
17. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
18. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives