What were they thinking: Attack by memo

1/11/2013 11:16 AM EST

Some of my recent Friday articles have been used to get on a soapbox about the government, lawyers, the patent office and abusers of patents. Today, I just want to look at a highly amusing patent and I hope this one makes you say what were they thinking as much as me. The title on this patent is “Self-defense weapon with memo” US 5,823,572 issued 1998. So, I know in your mind you are thinking that it is a weapon with some kind of writable surface on which you can record the details of your attack, perhaps mark of the number of people you have fought off, or maybe even create a quick picture of your attacker or the getaway car license plate. Let me provide the abstract:

A self defense weapon for use by a victim subject to being attacked by a perpetrator includes a memo pad having a plurality of pages. The memo pad has a plurality of edges and an indentation in at l[e]ast one of the edges adapted to accept at least part of at least one finger or the victim's hand such that the indentation facilitates the victim's capability to firmly grasp and hold the memo pad in the victim's hand, whereby the memo pad can thereby be used by the victim as a self defense weapon to ward off perpetrators.

No, my friends, we are talking death by paper cuts – a plurality of them and if one edge gets blunt, don’t worry there are a plurality of edges to turn to and those indentation will make sure you do not lose grip of your trusty weapon, and all the time you will be able to keep notes without having a desk to support your writing paper!

Several designs for the shape of the pages are given, including one that has a pointed end and different forms of indentation. As to why you would not prefer a buzzer or alarm – the patent author says they are bulky and expensive and do not allow you to take notes.

Brian Bailey – keeping you entertained