A Christmas e-mail

Also, I didn't really approve of him playing a game that was rated DD, for "Deeply Disturbed." But since he switched to a new game, "Sort Out The Bodies Later, Punk!," he's fallen in with a more wholesome online crowd, mainly from the office of the Vice President of the United States.

Ralphie rarely takes a break from his video games, but that's OK with us, because when he’s not wreaking massive and unspeakable carnage in cyberspace, his behavior has been a little odd — like the time he ran out of the house screaming, and disemboweled nine of the Bumpus hounds with his bare hands.

Luckily, now that we can't leave the house at all, the neighborhood pets are definitely safe from Ralphie. Ha ha.

Seriously, though, we've been pretty much stuck here at home, ever since I swung my elbow carelessly in the kitchen and activated the "Panic Room" option on THING’s remote control. This little "oops moment" sealed us indoors, prevented anyone from approaching within 100 feet and shut down all outside communication, including emergency services. I guess this is one of those things Acme's going to have to fix.

Not that I'm complaining! THING is really a wonderful system, and totally secure — judging from the paramedics and SWAT team members who tried to crack it. Their bodies have been strewn on the lawn for two weeks now.

I have to admit, I'm feeling just a tad lonesome here, being the only one who actually knows that we're sealed up tighter than the White House press office. Dad, Randy and Ralphie all have their toys to occupy their every waking second. And — my apologies to everyone — I'm way behind on my Christmas shopping. This mean old THING won't even let me sneak onto the Land's End Web site.

We're hoping here — well, I am, anyhow! — that the people outside (I notice a few FBI jackets and some people who look like National Guard and Acme Technical Support) will figure out a way to outsmart THING's security. I sure don't have the first clue what to do. Golly, I'm just a high-tech dummy! But we'll be running out of food and water just after New Year's. And I'd hate to miss the January white sales.

Most of all, I'd love to be able to do the laundry and flush the toilet again. The men of the house don't seem to mind, but frankly, the smell is starting to get on my nerves.

So, Happy Holidays everyone! If you're in our neighborhood, drop by the old homestead and see how the "siege" is going! If you stand by the big oak tree and wave, we can see you through the titanium mesh.

Love and kisses, The Parkers

David Benjamin, a novelist and journalist currently based in Madison, Wisconsin, occasionally writes about technology issues for EE Times, usually from the Luddite point of view. For more of Benjamin's holiday spoofs, click here.