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Duane Benson
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I could spend days listing them
Duane Benson   8/18/2014 3:16:58 PM
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Customers love it! - We showed it to some guy and he didn't hate it.

Bob from National TV gives it four stars. - And Bob, from national TV is whom????

Duane Benson
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Re: I could spend days listing them
Duane Benson   8/18/2014 3:19:46 PM
Optional one year buyer protection plan for only $75.00. - It will break in a year and a half, but you've just doubled my profit.

100% comprehensive satisfaction guarantee. - If you're not happy, I dare you to try and get through our automated call dungeon

Max The Magnificent
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Re: I could spend days listing them
Max The Magnificent   8/18/2014 3:24:22 PM
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@Duane: Optional one year buyer protection plan...

I never take those -- my experiance has been that if the thing is going to break, it will do so one day after the protection plan expired :-) 

dt_hayden
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Re: I could spend days listing them
dt_hayden   8/19/2014 9:54:24 AM
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Same here, and if the sales droid becomes too insistent about the need, I state that maybe the product is too unreliable for me to consider purchasing.  That usually gets them to back off.

Max The Magnificent
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Re: I could spend days listing them
Max The Magnificent   8/18/2014 3:25:02 PM
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@Duane: If you're not happy, I dare you to try and get through our automated call dungeon...

You sound very bitter for one so young...

Max The Magnificent
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Re: I could spend days listing them
Max The Magnificent   8/18/2014 3:20:52 PM
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@Duane: Customers love it! - We showed it to some guy and he didn't hate it.

That one rings so true :-)

Max The Magnificent
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Re: I could spend days listing them
Max The Magnificent   8/18/2014 3:22:51 PM
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@Duane: Bob from National TV gives it four stars. - And Bob, from national TV is whom?

It's like the TV adds for cars where everyone wins some type of award from "J D Powers and Associates" ... who the $%^& is J D Powers (is this a real person or a marketing fiction?) and who are his/her associates when they are at home?

 

ChrisJ555
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Re: I could spend days listing them
ChrisJ555   8/22/2014 2:14:21 PM
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That reminds me of the billboards I've seen driving around the West.  Who is this Les Schwab guy anyway, and why does he have my tires???

Measurement.Blues
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What about "Solution?"
Measurement.Blues   8/18/2014 4:23:58 PM
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@Max, you forgot the most overused word in marketing for the last several years: Solution. Nobody sells products or services anymore, the sell Solutions.

So, what's the problem?

betajet
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CEO
Portable, e.g., "Portable TV"
betajet   8/18/2014 4:29:32 PM
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Old timers here will remember when "portable" meant "product has a really strong built-in handle able to carry the product's weight".  Example: 40-pound "portable" TV.

Max The Magnificent
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Re: Portable, e.g., "Portable TV"
Max The Magnificent   8/18/2014 4:36:10 PM
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@Betajet: Old timers here will remember when "portable" meant "product has a really strong built-in handle...

You are right -- I'd forgotten about that -- how things have changed

David Ashton
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Re: Portable, e.g., "Portable TV"
David Ashton   8/19/2014 6:17:40 AM
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The Compaq Portable XT PC comes to mind.  "Luggable" most people called it.....



betajet
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CEO
"Instant On"
betajet   8/18/2014 4:35:46 PM
"Instant On", i.e., always on.  Our product takes 30 seconds to boot, so the only way we can make it look like it turns on instantly is to have it on all the time.  If you hit the "off" button, the only thing that turns off is the power LED.

 

Max The Magnificent
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Re: "Instant On"
Max The Magnificent   8/18/2014 4:37:07 PM
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@betajet: If you hit the "off" button, the only thing that turns off is the power LED.

Good One!

zeeglen
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Re: "Instant On"
zeeglen   8/18/2014 8:50:52 PM
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Wow, does that ever bring back memories!  Scroll back 50 years - "Instant-On" really was a marketing term for series-string vacuum tube radio and TV sets.  A silicon diode across the on/off switch in reverse to the main B+ rectifier would keep the tube heaters at half-power by rectifying the AC so only half-cycles could get through.  But this kept the tubes hot enough to start immediately when the diode was shunted by the switch, even though it did take a few more seconds to reach optimum performance.  It worked, but was a terrible waste of power.

Back then the marketeers were tripping all over each other in efforts to come up with ever-more creative claims for the audio output wattage of hifi/stereo audio amplifiers.  Can anyone top "Peak-to-Peak Music Power!"?  The USA FTC (Federal Trade Commission) put a stop to that nonsense in 1974.

David Ashton
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Re: "Instant On"
David Ashton   8/19/2014 1:12:57 AM
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@Zeeglen.... "Peak-to-Peak Music Power!"   Yeah, as I recall 200W PPMP = 10W RMS or thereabouts....

Max The Magnificent
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Re: "Instant On"
Max The Magnificent   8/19/2014 9:48:46 AM
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@zeeglen: Can anyone top "Peak-to-Peak Music Power!"?

OMG I'd forgotten about that one!

Max The Magnificent
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Re: "Instant On"
Max The Magnificent   8/19/2014 9:50:05 AM
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@zeeglen: ..."Instant-On" [...] vacuum tube radio and TV sets [...] a silicon diode across the on/off switch in reverse to the main B+ rectitifer would keep the tube heaters at half-power...

I learn something new every day!

betajet
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CEO
"Peak performance"
betajet   8/18/2014 4:59:12 PM
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Here's an old one -- I don't know which wag came up with it: In supercomputer and parallel processing marketing, "peak performance" is "a guarantee from the manufacturer that your application won't run faster than this".

Max The Magnificent
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Re: "Peak performance"
Max The Magnificent   8/18/2014 5:02:15 PM
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@betajet: ..."peak performance" is "a guarantee from the manufacturer that your application won't run faster than this".

Ah, so true, and it invariably runs a lot slower :-)

David Ashton
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Marketing speak
David Ashton   8/18/2014 7:32:14 PM
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"New and Improved" - It has all the worst features of the previous version, and none of the best ones :-)

kfield
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Re: Marketing speak
kfield   8/31/2014 10:43:22 PM
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@davidashton ""New and Improved" - It has all the worst features of the previous version, and none of the best ones :-)"

 

My goodness, how apt!!!!

David Ashton
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Re: Marketing speak
David Ashton   8/31/2014 10:49:04 PM
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@Karen... "My goodness, how apt!!!!"

It was arrived at after 57 years of hard study, finally confirmed in the past decade or so by an intensive investigation of Microsoft software :-)

 

 

zeeglen
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Updates are ready for your computer
zeeglen   8/18/2014 9:06:29 PM
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Everything is changed. Your computer will never work the same way again.  Good luck figuring it out!

Physiker
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Manager
Re: Updates are ready for your computer
Physiker   8/19/2014 8:31:51 AM
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And invariably requires more clicks and takes more time to achieve the same. Unless the functions I used have been removed entirely.

prabhakar_deosthali
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CEO
Life time guarantee
prabhakar_deosthali   8/19/2014 5:14:48 AM
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I will add

 

LIFE TIME GUARANTEE -             Which means the gurantee till the product stops   working

OleAlexander
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Re: Life time guarantee
OleAlexander   8/19/2014 6:33:27 AM
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I tend to interpret "life time guarantee" as "we don't plan on being around that long anyway"

Paul A. Clayton
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Re: Life time guarantee
Paul A. Clayton   8/19/2014 6:28:08 PM
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No a lifetime guarantee means that the product will kill the owner when/before it fails.

dt_hayden
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CEO
From the world of motorcycles
dt_hayden   8/19/2014 9:58:04 AM
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Bold New Graphics - same bike unchanged except for some decals and the price.

dt_hayden
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Highest Power Density
dt_hayden   8/19/2014 10:01:15 AM
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Highest Power Density !  - yes, when you heatsink it to that shipping container over there.

 

Fastest Market Growth!  - we finally moved from the onesy twosey garage shop to a rented space where we ship dozens.

 

Max The Magnificent
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Re: Highest Power Density
Max The Magnificent   8/19/2014 10:02:48 AM
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@dt_hayden: ...Bold New Graphics ... Fastest Market Growth!...

You're on a roll...

dt_hayden
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CEO
Where does that extra power come from?
dt_hayden   8/19/2014 10:05:54 AM
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25 Cleaning Amps - we have no idea how efficient this vaccuum is, please just buy it.

4 Peak Horsepower on a shop vac. -  we have no idea how efficient this vaccuum is, please just buy it.

 

For years I saw home vaccuums and shop vacs marketed with this nonsense.  They still plugged into 15A 120V wall recepticles.

Duane Benson
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Re: Where does that extra power come from?
Duane Benson   8/19/2014 1:44:15 PM
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"25 Cleaning Amps"

Don't you know... "Cleaning Amps" are like a pipe cleaner. They're "special" amps. You send a bunch through the wire and it scrapes all of the stuck electrons off of the sides of the wire... Don't send too many though, or they might get stuck at a bend...

David Ashton
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Re: Where does that extra power come from?
David Ashton   8/19/2014 3:51:12 PM
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"Peak Horsepower" is no doubt akin to "Peak Music Power" as used in amplifier marketing.....see Zeeglen's comment above.

zeeglen
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Your Mileagage May Vary...
zeeglen   8/19/2014 10:13:09 AM
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Ours was measured on an all-downhill 1/4 mile test road.

Max The Magnificent
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Re: Your Mileagage May Vary...
Max The Magnificent   8/19/2014 10:17:33 AM
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@zeeglen: Ours was measured on an all-downhill 1/4 mile test road.

With a 20mph tail-wind LOL

zeeglen
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Audio Claims
zeeglen   8/19/2014 1:51:25 PM
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Oxygen Free Copper! - will never rust

Max The Magnificent
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Re: Audio Claims
Max The Magnificent   8/19/2014 1:56:39 PM
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@zeeglen: Oxygen Free Copper! - will never rust

I need some of that -- where do you get yours from?

David Ashton
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Re: Audio Claims
David Ashton   8/19/2014 4:05:31 PM
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@Max...you can buy it here.  It's been a fad rip-off in the Audio industry for years.Apparently id DOES have increased thermal and electrical conductivity and is used in specialised tubes (Klystrons and the like)and I gather in semicondutor manufacture where the oxygen might cause problems, but for audio use it is just marketing rubbish.  There is a good debunking here, along with some idiots claiming it really does make a difference....

Paul A. Clayton
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CEO
Re: Audio Claims
Paul A. Clayton   8/19/2014 6:35:55 PM
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Maybe some people don't want their bits being uncomfortable as they travel a copper wire? (Yes, the claims about better performance in digital audio seem particularly absurd.)

zeeglen
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Battery Commercials
zeeglen   8/19/2014 7:36:09 PM
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The pink bunny is a well understood icon with no outrageous claims (and is also the subject of a rude joke), but back in the early '60s there were some TV commercials about the extraordinary power in a 1.5 volt flashlight D cell. 

The TV huckster showed a D cell powering a huge electromagnet in the center of a tug-of-war between two teams of what looked to be Sumo wrestlers - of course the electromagnet separated as soon as the battery was removed from its holder.

A similar commercial showed the battery powering a huge electric sign with hundreds of flashing lights - of course, when removing the battery from its holder the sign went dead.

Even at my tender age of about 10 I realized the only thing the battery was doing was powering a relay coil.  Unfortunately at the time i did not know to complain to a "truth in advertising" government agency.

Max The Magnificent
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Re: Battery Commercials
Max The Magnificent   8/20/2014 9:18:30 AM
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@zeeglen: The pink bunny is a well understood icon with no outrageous claims...

Except that I remember one where he was dealing with aliens and they whisked him off in their spaceship, the implication being that he was the answer to an alien civilization's power peoblems ... no, you're right, nothing outrageous there (they were probably taking him off to be "probed" ... it's not as much fun as it sounds, let me tell you!)

NetJohn
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The classic
NetJohn   8/20/2014 3:53:43 PM
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Did everyone forget Signetics' famous WOM (write-only memory) data sheet?  Talk about marketing genious!  I'm sure you can dig it up on the web somewhere....

 

GSKrasle
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Re: The classic
GSKrasle   8/20/2014 5:49:07 PM
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"Damn Fast Buffer Amplifiers"! http://pdf.datasheetarchive.com/indexerfiles/Scans-006/Scans-00124098.pdf

GSKrasle
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Re: The classic
GSKrasle   8/20/2014 6:04:51 PM
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And look at page 10 of this: http://media.digikey.com/pdf/Data%20Sheets/Panasonic%20Semiconductors%20ICs%20PDFs/AN79Lxx,%20AN79LxxM%20Series.pdf I have the original databooks of both of these. There was, a while back, discussion of scanning and saving these (especially cool if they are full of generations of engineers' notes and calculations!), and as was also discussed with Max, the translations can be PRECIOUS!

zeeglen
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Re: The classic
zeeglen   8/20/2014 7:32:30 PM
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@GSKrasle And look at page 10 of this: http://media.digikey.com/pdf/Data%20Sheets/Panasonic%20Semiconductors%20ICs%20PDFs/AN79Lxx,%20AN79LxxM%20Series.pdf

Hilarious!  That's what happens when "recent college grads" write data sheets.

Wasn't it NatSemi that got the pinout of the 7905 wrong in one of their data books?  Our assemblers had to put it into my board cross-legged.  It think it was also NatSemi who published the fix for a 78L05 problem in the 79L05 data sheet.

Max The Magnificent
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Re: The classic
Max The Magnificent   9/1/2014 4:31:07 PM
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@NetJohn: Did everyone forget Signetics' famous WOM (write-only memory) data sheet?

That was a classic -- on par with the famous "Black Noise Generator"

David Ashton
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Re: The classic
David Ashton   9/1/2014 4:38:44 PM
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The best thing about the WOM was the way the engineers pulled one over on the marketing types.  Revenge is sweet, they say!

Max The Magnificent
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Re: The classic
Max The Magnificent   9/1/2014 4:48:35 PM
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@David: The best thing about the WOM was the way the engineers pulled one over on the markting types.

Thw WOM datasheet really was a classic -- simple in concept and really well executed. The sort of thing with which you'd be proud to be associated.

kfield
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New and improved
kfield   8/31/2014 9:27:28 PM
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I'm always amazed by the marketing claim "new and improved flavor," makes you wonder what sort of rotgut you were drinking (or eating) that promopted someone to want to improve the flavor.

David Ashton
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Re: New and improved
David Ashton   8/31/2014 10:13:32 PM
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@Karen see my definition for "New and Improved" above.....

betajet
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Re: New and improved
betajet   9/1/2014 3:55:02 PM
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I think "new and improved flavor" means "we found some cheaper additives".

[This comment was inspired by an old New Yorker cartoon, where two chemists in white coats are sampling a new concoction in the lab.  One says to the other: "It needs additives."]



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