Gee, Santa! Haven't we done enough for this guy? Now he wants us to get the Justice Department to lay off his bundled Internet Explorer.
Al Kruhm, Phoenix Group

Nope, didn't get his whole name; Steve something . . . Just said for me to tell you thanks for the early Christmas present and he'll try to work us into his sequel, "Joy Story: An Apple a day keeps his competitors at bay."
Tom Criswell, Radian Technology

Santa, what should we do about gift requests for Windows 98? Microsoft sent us some copies, but Sun says if we send them, they will take back all the stuff they gave us.
Eswar Saladi, Sand Microelectronics

But, Santa, until we have the super compact keyboards from Casio, how do you expect us to type 50 lines of Java code a day with those full-size keyboards?
Thinh Nguyen, Digital Link

I know Bill's been a good boy but I couldn't get into Janet Reno's office!
Joseph M. Kusmiss, Mitre Corp.

Santa, this year everyone wants DVD for their computer, but what format do we give them?
David L. Williams, IMS

How was I supposed to know not to seat Cadence next to Avant! at the Christmas party?
Don Swaab, General Signal Network

So the Blue Fairy told me if I keep telling the Justice Department that I'm not trying to monopolize the Web navigator market, my nose will keep growing and I'll never become a real boy.
Bruce Cariker, Fujitsu

I told you about the "WAREZ" chat rooms on the irc, I warned you about L0pht and Pwdump and the likes. Now every kid on the internet has hacked your database and rendered themselves "NICE"!!! But did you listen? NOOOOOOO!!!
Toby Fredrickson, Xilinx

Oh . . . so he said he's been good, did he!? What about the uncommented code, the half-completed user-guide manual, the showing up for the big demo day with a tie around his waist? Need I go on?
Sati Banerjee, NextLevel Systems

I'm sorry, Santa, I know he asked for Netscape on his system but Microsoft won't let us install it!
Merrill Mcfarland, Stellex Microwave Systems

One of the reindeer hacked the root password and was messing around with the toy-inventory database when suddenly a disk crashed in the array and hot sparing was out. So I go down there only to discover they've hooked up Rudolph as a bug light . . .
Linda Wilson, Nortel Technology

I know software version D97 only works with six reindeer simultaneously. You will have to wait for release D98 if you want it to work with eight.
J.C. Forehand, NASA JSC

We thought Rudolph would find it humorous when we changed the words to: Bill Gates . . . The Microsoft Reign Seer.
Skee Derr, AMP

But, Santa, we replaced all the elves with robots!
Steve Rehnborg, OSRAM Sylvania

Look, Nick, I'm sorry about the reindeer. How was I supposed to know the new sleigh avionics used polar coordinates?!
Allen Gates, Adverb Corp.

What are we going to do, boss? The guys got carried away and labeled everything "Intel Inside."
Marty Behannesey, Tellabs Operations

I can't believe that you can't deliver toys to Europe just because you're not ISO 9001-certified!
Jim Randazzo, Nellcor Puritan Bennett ; Don Swaab, General Signal Networks

Santa, the guys have done the best they can but just can't make it. So, what's so wrong with a measly 24-hour schedule slip?
Jay Crow, Cubic Defense Systems

Santa, we're going to have to delay Christmas, as we're not done with the alpha tests.
Dave Markland, TTC

Look, Mr. Gates, even dressed up like that, Santa will not accept your bid to buy Christmas. The holiday just isn't for sale.
Mike Palgon, AstraCom Inc.

RISC vs. CISC
Raed Sabha, Sharp Microelectronics Technology

Listen, Nick, we tried all the high-tech cleaning solutions, even that "Laundry Ball" you bought. So if you don't want to waste another jacket, put a windshield on that sleigh. My word, big guy, you circle the world behind eight reindeer!
Dan Pratt, Lattice Semiconductor Corp.

The embedded system is stuck in Rudolph's WHAT?
John Petrick, Optical Kinetics

Window of opportunity . . . Time-to-market . . . Every year it's the same story with you!
Jim Stonebraker, Reltec

Rudolph refuses to lead until he gets a new GPS system.
Larry Anderson, Siemens T&D Meter Division

Honest, Santa . . . I don't know anyting about Rudolph's nose. I thought EE meant "Elf Employee."
Jerry Karow, American General Corp.

. . . PLUS -Every time we run one of those Vendurian Cyclops Rangers into functional test, his EYE Blows right out of his head! We've lost three of our best elves in the last two days, and if we can't figure out how to test for reversed polarized capacitors by noon tomorrow, THAT product line is DEAD!
Jim Falloon, Hewlett-Packard

. . . five Gigs of RAM, four laser jets . . .
Peter Vorum, Wright-Patterson AFB, Ohio

I'm telling you, if you want to get all those under-$1,000 Pentiums you've promised into the sleigh, you're going to have to forget the monitors-just like the other major vendors.
David C. Barber, Techwriters

But Santa, the GPS receiver isn't quite ready for your sleigh!
Harold E. Lane, Motorola

Our factory in virtual reality has been trashed by some hacker named Grinch . . . we've got to move somewhere else.
Mike Kudla, MRK II

But Sir, it's not a bug . . . It's a feature!
Scott Sewade, Cabletron

Santa, it's the 22nd. Design and build computers in two days, huh? Ya, right, I suppose you want them to work too? Just great . . . another #$%!@ unrealistic project design schedule!
Jonathan P. Day, Simplex Time Recorder Co.

. . . so the engineer says, "ELF?! I thought we were measuring VLF?" Ha ha ha . . .
Mark Klemkosky, Intel

I'm sorry boss, we won't deliver. There's been a real elf shortage this year!
Tom Gustafson, Lattice

But you wanted cycle-time reduction. That is why I delivered the gifts a month earlier.
Anthony C. Vu, Motorola Computer Group

The RAMs are on allocation until Feb. You wanted to put Windows CE in all the toys . . .
David Hagood, IFR Systems

I want a ride on your sleigh to give every household my Navigator toy!
Quang Phung, Sony

Santa, we just received a shipment of Barbie Dolls from our second source vendor, Politically Correct Inc., but they do not meet our design spec ifications.
David Wyatt, Ericsson

I'm sorry, boss, but BigChip Inc. has us on allocation for that part. In fact they told me that Santa himself could not get more of 'em!
Joe Kubler, Norand Corp.

It wasn't my fault Bill Gates said it would be ready.
Roger Coatney, Computer Sciences Raytheon

Santa, we have a problem. Engineering found a flaw in the SWAN (Sleigh Wide Area Network). The embedded Windows NT control system is too slow to perform the pinpoint landing maneuvers required for package delivery and if you try to override the system, it just locks up the reindeer controls. You could wind up flying a slow holding pattern over Iraq.
Mike Kolb, TANO

Sorry, Santa, we can't ship the toys out through the Internet; our guys have never been able to successfully download any pizza they have ordered.
Jackson Leung, Texas Instruments

Look, Santa, we have a real problem here. Expecting a surging demand for sub-$1000 Personal Computers, we increased our production on these. But the requests so far are overwhelmingly for upscale models.
James Yeh, Amdahl

I'm sorry we vaporized an elf, Boss. The design engineer for the "Star Wars" laser tag toys used to work for the Space Based Laser project.
William Sheehan, Lockheed Martin Fairchild Systems

Look, I'm sorry you'll just have to cancel Christmas this year, your sled was shot down over Iraq during one of our 'test runs' with the new Pentium 200, MMX-based GPS system that had the "F0 bug" in the 'Java-based Navigation Program' we downloaded from the Internet.
James K. Valentine, Tico Pride Electronics S.A.

Let me get this straight; you go out on Christmas Eve, you fly in an open sleigh, you go down chimneys on a winter night, and you give gifts to future engineers. Now you expect me to trust you with my pot of gold?
Earl Meiers, Mitre Corp.

MCI and other Long-Distance providers don't want any more Local-Service gifts. They're scared you might give the AT&T orphans Long-Distance access too.
R. Neil Fisher, PE

Don't blame me if we're behind schedule. You're the one who listened to the EDA sales person and down-sized to just one elf because of promised productivity gains.
Cliff Cummings, Sunburst Designs

Elf: I just don't get it Santa. An odd majority of the requests include Tomb Raider II, Final Fantasy VII, and "Windows 98, bugs not included"?
Santa: I thought the majority of the population no longer believed in miracles.
Jamie Cummings, Sunburst Designs

Yes, Santa. I know that you were counting on me to get all of the latest news at Comdex in preparation for Xmas 1997. They refused to admit me, because they thought I was not an adult. However, I did meet some guy named Bill who recommended postpon ing Xmas for six months and calling it Xmas '98.
George Hunter, Atlantic Science & Technology Corp.

OK, but this is the last time I'll stand for any more of this 'downsizing' stuff!
Ivan Cowie, Time Domain

It's just you and me. Remember you downsized the rest of the elves!
Ramakrishna S. Pillalamarri, U.S. Army Research Laboratory

But Santa, even the Intel engineers can't get the Pentium 600-MHz fabbed and tested by Christmas!
Mark Peek, Tellabs Operations

Nobody told me that Windows 95 was supposed to go to the Island of Misfit Toys!
J. Chris Akers, Wandel & Goltermann

Santa, Bill has told us that we can't ship tonight unless it's with Explorer!
Brad Kyer, Motorola FPPAD

But I can't find a big enough piece of coal! Bill Gates has been a very bad boy this year.
Mark Prescott, Eastman Kodak

I cannot find any software game for children without Bill Gates' logo on it.
Dexiang John Xu, Celcore

Honest Boss . . . 'El Nino' stole my "flying reindeer" upgrade code!
Im Veihdeffer, Honeywell

I'm trying to tell ya, Santa! They not asking for memory, they want beanie babies.
Jerry L. Berry, LJB Inc.