Annually, when the world's mobile phone industry gathers here, the exhibition halls boast a cornucopia of new features competing for room on the tiny surface and inside the overstuffed innards of the typical handset. Among this year's more startling innovations are the following:
The X-PandaCam, a phone/camera combination equipped with enough raw candlepower to project a high-resolution slide-show, of as many as 100 images, onto any blank wall within ten meters.
Although none of these imaginative features have much hope of adoption by major handset makers, Prophy-Lectric's Nippit 3000 electronic spermicide has a fighting chance to beat the odds and show up in every responsible single's mobile phone before this year's New Year's Eve parties.
According to Prophy-Lectric's vice president of engineering Peter Priapikoff, the Nippit 3000 chip — although barely a micron in diameter — projects a high-intensity ultra-sonic electromagnetic "sound cone" that is inaudible to the human ear but fatal to any sperm cell within a range of six meters, or about 18 feet.
The ultrasonic beam is the result of research on the effect of electromagnetic radiation on male potency. The Nippit version of this technology, according to Priapikoff, has no permanent effect on the human reproductive organs and damages nothing but sperm cells. "It's remarkably specific to a guy's little wigglers," said the Prophy-Lectric spokesman, "although this high-pitched sound does tend to drive off the family dog."
The Nippit 3000, said Prophy-Lectric CEO Dorcas Gliebman, has been tested medically, clinically and technically, and is ready for mass roll-out. "We're not exactly sure why it works," said Gliebman. "But it does the job, at a better than 99 percent kill rate. It leaves condoms in the dust."
The device is literally easier to use than any known contraceptive, said a proud Gliebman. "You don't need to even turn it on. It's voice-activated. You place it near the bed, or any other site of amorous activity. You can even hang the mobile phone around one partner's neck. Then, as soon as someone yells, 'Oh, God! Oh, God!' — or anything like it — the Nippit sound cone activates, sending out deadly waves of spermicidal ultra-sonic electromagnetism. Any sperm that shows its little head is a goner before he can finish his first wiggle."
With its corporate headquarters and a fully-equipped fabrication plant in Brussels, Prophy-Lectric is prepared to meet a European demand for electronic birth control that has already been verified in market studies.
Gliebman noted that — like any contraceptive — the Nippit 3000 must be used responsibly. Since it causes a substantial battery drain, it might not be effective through periods of "prolonged foreplay" and it is not recommended for men over 50. Another technical problem is that if an incoming phone call arrives at the "moment of truth," diverting the handset's attention, a pregnancy could result.
Prophy-Lectric is planning to market the Nippit 3000 initially in Europe, but hopes to crack the U.S. market with a modified version, the Chastity 3000, by next year. The U.S. version will include — just before the activation of the "sound cone" — a pre-recorded appeal for sexual abstinence, set to religious music.
Prophy-Lectric is discussing the inclusion of Nippit 3000 into new phone models being developed by several major handset vendors working on 3G technology. The company declined to name the companies — with one wishful exception. "Obviously," said Gliebman, "our dream partner would be Siemens."
--Satirist and author David Benjamin writes about technology, frequently from the Luddite point of view, from his home in Paris.
